


perfection (green eyed monster)

by littlescallion



Series: stray demons [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen, Insecurities, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Other characters follow, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-08-09 12:07:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16449656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlescallion/pseuds/littlescallion
Summary: No matter how hard Seungmin tries, there will always be someone who tries harder and does better than him.





	perfection (green eyed monster)

**Author's Note:**

> 11/03 rev:  
> I was going to make this a series but on second thought, I know I don't have enough determination to complete a chaptered fic, so I figured that I'd just finish this one here and perhaps one day I'll find it in me to write other stories with this theme.  
> love, littlescallion.

perfection

_kim seungmin; han jisung_

_gen (no relationships)_

_angst, hurt/comfort, insecurities_

\--

No matter how hard Seungmin tries, there will always be someone who tries harder and does better than him.

Seungmin doesn’t sing because he has to – he sings because he likes it. He had always liked singing ever since he was younger, but he never once thought about making it his actual occupation – that is, until a good friend in middle school convinces him to audition to the entertainment company the friend is already training in.

Skip a few years and Seungmin is now an artist under the said company. Not even a trainee anymore – he’s an actual _artist_. He was handpicked by the leader, along with seven other kids, to create a project group. Several episodes of survival show later and here they are, debuting under the name _Stray Kids_. Seungmin likes the name, it suits them. And he likes the friends he gets to debut with, too.

But liking them doesn’t mean that he is unable to feel other things about them.

It’s not a crush or any sort of love, though Seungmin wishes it is. Honestly, it would be so much easier if he falls in love with a member – because as awkward as it might be, love is less of a destructive emotion than envy is.

Seungmin likes his own voice and he feels thankful every time anyone mentions that they like it when he sings. But humans are greedy beings, and ever since he starts looking around, Seungmin can’t shake off the nagging feeling that only _singing_ is not enough. A lot of people are good singers, and it was enough to survive in the entertainment world until a few years ago. But nowadays, idols that rely on producers to write their songs are branded as fake, or manufactured. Not good enough to be called artists. They must be able to write, compose, produce, choreograph, and perform their own songs, aside from having talents in acting, MCing, and being funny in varieties. Only then will the public be satisfied.

(Even then, sometimes, those are still _not enough_ )

It shouldn’t be a problem for Stray Kids. They have capable songwriters, experienced dancers, and an endless array of seniors to learn from, be it about acting or variety shows. As a team, they’re off to a good start. But as a person, as _Kim Seungmin_ , it’s nowhere near enough. He wants to contribute something to the team in terms of musicality. So he starts writing lyrics, one sentence at a time, hoping that someday it will be good enough to be included in a song.

Sometimes he likes the things he wrote. Other times, he feels repulsed enough with them that he wants to tear the paper to pieces.

It’s both a blessing and a curse that their group has a better songwriter – that way, no one ever needs to mull over the hideous phrases he crafted in an attempt to write it into a full song. Everyone is only obliged to come over, read his lyrics, point out some details, and then leave. And when it comes to actual songwriting, they have a certain Han Jisung to save the day.

Seungmin hates that out of all the demons that could possess him, it has to be _envy_ – even more so because the object of his unjustifiable envy is none other than Han Jisung himself. Jisung who is always so eager to come over and read the things he writes. Jisung who is always ready to give him pointers should he ever need help in phrasing the words. Jisung who every so often grins at him, thanks him for the inspiration, and then bolts away after leaving a wet kiss on Seungmin’s cheek. Jisung who turns his jumbled words into beautiful phrases.

Jisung had been nothing but supportive towards him, and Seungmin wants to stab himself for his hostile thoughts.

Often, the members are excited to see Seungmin’s writing not for the work itself, but for what _Jisung_ could create from the inspiration. It’s supposed to be a good thing for the sake of the group, because it means that they’re getting good songs for their next albums. But in the deepest corners of his heart, somewhere dark he would never reveal to the world, perhaps Seungmin felt a little bit hurt. Just a little. He knew that it doesn’t mean that his members disliked him or his work. They’re encouraging him to try a little more, but it’s also a gentle way to remind him that he’s not good enough. That he’s too slow to keep up with the pace at which his friends develop.

Ironic, he muses to himself one night. It’s so painfully ironic that he sings about staying in one’s lane and keeping one’s own pace, yet it’s Seungmin himself who feels like he has been dragged along rough asphalt. He dwells on his writings again and again every night, trying to produce at least one good sentence and failing each time – and in another corner of the same room, Jisung could blink and everything he produces is a masterpiece. He’s not saying that Jisung doesn’t _earn_ it – hell, Jisung works as hard as he is if not more. But Jisung’s hard work actually results in something, and all Seungmin has when he opens his hands is cluttered pieces of words hastily put together. Seungmin feels filthy, green with envy. And the more he entertains the thoughts, the more his writings become rotten. He is unable to inscribe words that produce hope. All he can write about is envy, displeasure, and dissatisfaction, gnawing at his body from within.

And the whole time Seungmin ruins himself in silence, Han Jisung remains fiercely supportive, thinking that Seungmin is still writing songs filled with reassurance and optimism, as he always did before.

But Seungmin doesn’t.

He can’t.

He had tried, and he failed.


End file.
